It's easy to blame it on anything else. Paul was gone for 8 days and I was focused on the house/Ellie/everything else. My toddler picks up everything I set down and hides it. My house is too small/doesn't have an office so that I can keep things organized.
But the truth is that I've been stuck in my own head for a long time. A few years, maybe. And while I have periods where I have everything, everything, everything under control, when I am a thoughtful friend, when I am ORGANIZED, well, there are far more times when I'm so turned inward and paralyzed that I can't see beyond the tip of my own nose.
And a prodigious nose it is, too.
Last weekend I didn't RSVP for a baby shower until the night before, although I already had a present. Today I missed the tea party in celebration of the second birthday of one of Ellie's friends.
I don't know how many other children were invited. I do know that I was looking forward to it. I know that our absence must have been notable. I know that I feel like throwing up. I know that - for once in my life - I have no excuse. And this was something that might effect *Ellie* and one of her important relationships in the years to come.
I need to keep the house cleaner. I need to keep on top of the paperwork. I need to find someplace to file things. I need to finish the basement playroom so that we can relocate some toys and actually walk around our house again. I need to be more focused at work. I need to continue losing weight. I need to work on my book(s) so that we can have money to pay down our debt and continue our home improvement projects - including my dream office. I need to be pregnant. I need to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant. I'm scared to be pregnant.
***
Update: I'm feeling better about this afternoon, and I think it all worked out OK. I talked to Ellie's friend's mom, and she was amazingly cool. The early afternoon tea party birthday party was a real success. We took the little girl's present over this evening (during a surprise tornado!) then went out to dinner with them. Afterwards, we went back to their house for a reprisal tea party with just the two girls, and we all had cake. It was lovely to visit, and the girls both really enjoyed their "pearls," white straw hats, feather boas, and tiny plastic tea set. So cute.
11 comments:
I know these feelings all too well. Hang in there! I'm right there with you right now!
Oh, honey.
It's going to be okay. Really, it will. And it's ok to be scared, as long as you don't let it stop you from what you really and truly want.
Thank you, Pajama Mama! It's nice to have company!
PK, thank you. I know you're right. And just as the time I took to conceive Ellie seemed less once I was successfully pregnant, so too will this time go. I hope. I pray. And I would really really like it all to be easier this time.
I'm scared, too. How ironic that I just posted virtually the same phrase.
Is it maybe the moon? We all seem to be ready to face demons, suddenly. So to speak.
Sarahlynn, another thing occurred to me, and you're obviously a smart woman so forgive me for stating things you've probably already checked. But have you had your thyroid checked, and have you gone through a depression screening? All the stress I was under for several years after the Girl's birth shot both my thyroid and my brainwaves straight to hell, and during that time I felt exactly as you describe: why can't I get it together? Why can't I remember things? Why am I vaguely anxious and exhausted all the time? Having a child is stressful. Dealing with money is stressful. Just a thought, and my apologies if I'm projecting.
xo
Jessica, I understand why you're scared too. As for me, I love my daughter. Even when she won't sleep (like now). But I am terrified of having another child with Down syndrome.
PK, you could be right. It's certainly possible. But I'm . . . well, I'm no friend to either diagnosis. I guess I'd rather live in denial.
Hang in there baby :) You'll be fine. I was VERY worried about you all when I heard of those tornadoes last night, however so I am very glad you're all OK.
How likely is it to have another Down's baby? I had two great-aunt's who both had girls with down's syndrome, but I don't think they had anymore children. I know Aunt Elaine had a son without downs before having Pammy. Do you have a better ob now? I know you weren't happy with ours when you found out about Ellie. Good luck.
Thanks, MS!
Amanda, there is a type of Down syndrome that's inherited (translocation trisomy 21 - fewer than 5% of all cases of DS and might be a possibility for your family since it happened with two of your great-aunts) but Ellie has the most common type of Down syndrome, nondisjunction trisomy 21. It's considered a genetic fluke, and there's no known scientific reason why I should have an increased chance of having another baby with Down syndrome (not "Down's baby" - one of my little pet peeves :) ).
However, in practice, there is an unexplained correlation with subsequent trisomy 21 pregnancies. I have heard two different estimates. One says that the risk is doubled, so if I had, say, a 1-in-600 chance at my age, now I'd have a 2-in-600 chance. The other statistic I've read is a straight 1% chance.
Since I had a 1-in-816 chance last time, neither statistic is very reassuring to me.
I now have Lisa (and Andi's) OB. I never thought I could go to a man, but I just love this guy. I think he's so great; Paul's a little jealous. ;)
Sorry about the "down's baby". Grew up with it. I still don't think I could deal with a guy ob. I've always been hypersensitive to it though. Too many after school specials.
Amanda, I can understand that. My daughter will never have a boy babysitter. This offends Paul a bit, but he has to deal. I had some bad experiences as a kid. My daughter will have to have different ones; I'm not setting the stage for a repeat.
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