Think Partnered Parenting Is Hard? Try Going Solo.
At face value, it seems to make sense. I mean, of course solo parenting is hard. I can't imagine it, myself. I'd have to move to be near family, at least while the child(ren) are too young to help out much.
But single mom Lori Gottlieb went way beyond anecdotes about the challenges she faces and jumped straight into dissing partnered parents. To be more specific, she has it in for married mothers.
I say "married," not "partnered," because the stories she relates don't sound like healthy partnerships to me.
My husband never lifts a finger to help out around the house or with the kids unless I specifically ask him to do a task.
My husband refuses to change a diaper.
My husband will watch the kids so that I can go out from time to time, but he calls it "babysitting" and acts like he's doing me a big favor.
That sort of thing.
You don't know how lucky you are to have a man do anything at all, Gottlieb suggests. When these "great catches" divorce their whiny, harping wives, she'll be there to snatch them up in an instant. No, sadly I am not exaggerating.
Here's the thing, Lori. You went into this parenting thing as a single parent. But a married woman in the 21st Century has a more reasonable expectation of a true partnership, where men aren't "babysitting" or "helping out" with their own homes and children. Men today can be - and should be - full participants rather than spectators in their own home lives.
It's one thing to feel bitter about doing chores when there's no one else around to do them. But it's quite another thing when you're running around the house trying to take care of the child and do everything else while a large lump snores on the sofa.
I get that Gottlieb was trying to be funny. Hah hah. Perhaps she wouldn't have sounded like such a jackass if she could have been clever enough to write a pithy piece about the difficulties of single parenthood without lambasting women who expect partnerships with their husbands and exonerating men who are just flat-out lazy and inconsiderate.
This passes for feminism today?
11 comments:
I, too, love All Things Considered but tell me you are kidding?!
I've been part of a parenting duo (son's father) where nearly all of the responsibility fell on me; and after we broke up, I was relieved to be managing everything myself - at least then I didn't have to feel resentful of the person asleep on the couch. Not to mention the fact that his absence freed up a lot of my time and focus (which probably sounds rather harsh or selfish but...)
When Scott and I started talking about having a baby, we discussed what our expectations were in terms of the parenting process and how we would equally be responsible. I don't think I would do it again otherwise.
I am so, SO blessed in the parenting partnership department. With twins, I would have been committed long ago if my husband hadn't been the hands-on kind of guy he is (diapers and dishes, he does it all). The best thing about him is how ticked off he gets (me, too, but he _really_ gets annoyed) when men say that they are "babysitting" their own children. Hello, isn't that called "parenting"? I thought most men were enlightened these days (certainly most of our friends seem to be), but since we've moved, we have a couple of neighbours where the dad is of the "babysitting" mindset. And, LOL, my husband has been held up as an example by the wives!
That is unreal.
Both my ex-husband and Mr. MFBA are very helpful. Neither ever expected all of the household and certainly not the parenting tasks to fall to me. I would not be able to tolerate that type of situation. My best friend is married to one of those "lumps" and I honestly don't know how she doesn't run him down.
Well, I am a single mom, and I can tell you honestly that no matter how difficult a day may be for me-I would rather do it alone than be in a relationship where the other partner acts like just another child-been there done that.
I completely agree with the partnership concept-if you are a group-a team-a mom and dad it seems to me the equality of the matter is already stated.
Bravo to those who no longer feel they must manage everything in the house alone-while daddy sits back with the remote control doing nothing-or worse-asking you to take care of his every need.
I have a teenage boy, who I am certain will appreciate all that I did to insure he was able to more than just put together furniture and take out the trash-his future wife-whomever she may be-will thank me one day!
Jessica, no, unfortunately I am not kidding. I know NPR makes a conscious effort to be unbiased, but surely the cause of setting marital relationships back 40 years doesn't derserve its own mouthpiece.
And Paul and I too discussed division labor before we started a family. Before we got married, in fact. That was part of the deal for me.
Canada, Paul gets rather passionate on this issue too! Nothing sets him on a political soapbox faster than a "Dad's babysitting" comment.
CCW, Paul does an awful lot with Ellie and around the house, too. I can't imagine him being any other way.
RNP, thanks! It's great to hear the perspective of a single mom on this too, to round this out!
Men should not read this post. Any man who actually "contributes" (according to this quack Gottlieb) might get the idea that he's in the minority and can start to slack off a little. Or a lot!
- Contributor Dad
Sarahlynn, I heard that piece, too, and I was yelling at the radio by the end.
You know, MikeStand and Hybrid, it kind of depresses me that I wasn't the only person in the world to hear that piece. I guess I was hoping that no one else noticed. Surely that would have been for the best.
I also heard the piece. Let's just say Lori Gottlieb rubbed me the wrong way.
Certainly, being a single parent is tough. Honestly, I don't know how I'd handle it if something happened to mr. selzach. But he's not one of those dads who "babysits" his own children. He parents his child and does a good bit around the house. As it should be, IMHO.
Do I gripe about Hubby? Hell yeah. He's a horrible procrastinator, but I still love and appreciate him. So, because I have a partner to help raise my child, I'm not allowed to vent my frustrations?
Just out of curiosity, I googled Lori Gottlieb. Turns out she chose to be a single mom (via insemination).
So I'm a whiny shrew if I complain that my husband isn't doing his fair share, but she's a martyr for choosing to raise her child by herself? M'kay.
Selzach, exactly!
Post a Comment