Monday, May 28, 2007

Recalibrating

Please don't let my usual posts about daily life, amazing daughters, and current events fool you.

I am miserable, down to the depths of my soul.

Spend time with me, with my family altogether, and things proceed as always.

But they're not.

The one thing I didn't want to inherit of my mother's was her bitterness. And I felt that the thing I had going for me, to save me from that, was a better marriage. I love my mother and my father, but I never wanted the marriage they have. I gave my soul to one man to love and cherish, and felt perfectly secure that I was safe there.

I was wrong, and I can never imagine feeling whole again.

13 comments:

All Blog Spots said...

Great blog, keep the good work going :)

Sarahlynn said...

Ah, blog spammer, don't you know that condescending is not the tone to take when trying to solicit things from people.

brooke said...

ohh.. sarahlynn. my heart goes out to you. i'm sorry you are suffering.. truly sorry.

Sarahlynn said...

Thanks, Brooke. : )

ccw said...

(((Sarahlynn)))

I only wish there was something I could do to make it better. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain.

Much love and support (or as much as I can give virtually) to you!

Jessica said...

Hi, friend...would still love to have a cup of tea if you are ever up for it. I am moved by this post and also envious of your willingness to be so honest.

Sarahlynn said...

Thank you, CCW. If there was some way you could help, you'd better believe I'd latch right on to it! Thanks for the support.

Jessica, let's plan on that cup of tea. I'll email you.

Seasonal said...

Oh this breaks my heart! As someone whose marriage has been through ups and downs, I can empathize. As someone who is currently taking medication for the first time for depression, I can empathize.

I wish I could help. ((HUGS))

Psycho Kitty said...

Oh, sweetie.
I don't know how to say this, except to say that, having a little distance on it, you won't be, ever again, but you'll also be more so than you can ever imagine.
I guess what I want to say is, just...I'm thinking of you. My heart breaks for you. And I am wishing for you all the wonderful things that can come out of all this sh**iness. And, as always, here if you need anything at all.
xo

Amie said...

You're becoming something new, and you get to decide what it will be. No one else, and nothing else in your history, will dictate the end result. It hurts like hell, and I'm so sorry.

the squeaky mouse gets the cheese said...

I don't have much profound to add but wanted to give you a hug. {hugs}

Chin up old friend, and remember to see where others are coming from, even if it sometimes seems impossible.

Sarahlynn said...

Thanks, Seasonal. I don't know that I'm depressed, clinically. But I am certainly sad.

Psycho Kitty, you're an inspiration. Seriously.

Amie, you're right about the hurt; I hope you're right about the rest. Still, I can't help thinking: but I was happy with what I was/with what I thought was.

Thanks, Mike. I don't know exactly what you mean by the last part. I certainly understand where Paul's coming from; but he's still hurting me. Some things just hurt, even when you understand them. Sadly.

selzach said...

I have no sage words, but you're in my thoughts.