Body and Blood

I prefer the waxing moon. The waning moon reminds me of the new moon to come, and it depresses me a little bit each time I notice it. This is odd, because I'm not really much into moon cycles and all that stuff. I never remember whether the black dot or the white dot on the calendar denotes the full moon. But the waxing moon makes me think of excitement building and good things to come, while the waning moon feels like the morning after Christmas. What's to look forward to now?

While I'm thinking of bodies, and having recently written about my weight loss, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Paul. Although Paul started exercising well after I did, and he doesn't usually work out for quite as long as I do, he has lost considerably more weight than I have. Despite popular opinion on the matter, this is not because he had more weight to lose. In fact, he's looking pretty good. I'm trying to be supportive of and happy for him. Not bitter or jealous. Not me. No way.

I did notice the bones in my wrists last night. They're pretty. I like seeing them again, no longer softened into such gentle contours.

Just as interesting are the backs of my hands. After working out last night and tonight, I noticed the veins on the back of my hands. They're not exactly bulging, but I can see them more than normal. I wonder - is this how it begins? First appearing just after exercise then fading more and more slowly until one day I realize that I have visible, ropy veins on the backs of my hands at all times? I loved them on my grandmother. I'm not ready for them on me.

Kind of like the ungraceful way my dark brown hair is starting to change. I do like the shocking white it will become. I'm just not ready for it yet. And the transition will not be subtle.

But this isn't all about age. I have had what I not-so-affectionately refer to as the "Snot Clot" in the back of my throat for many months. It waxes and wanes, but never disappears entirely for long. It's worse when I lie down. Although it doesn't really impede my airway, I tend to feel like I'm suffocating. I think it's leftover from a cold that won't go away. Or it's a tumor.

But there are some things that my body does very well. Like expelling the lining of my uterus each month, right on schedule. I have always had cramps with my period, but only since having been through labor have I really understood them. Before Ellie, there was monthly pain. Now, while the cramps are just as strong as ever, I mind them less.

This is because I feel what they're doing. I understand what's going on. I have a strong muscle memory and I can conceptualize it all more easily. This is not just amorphous pain. This is rhythmic, constructive, effective. It's amazing. I'm not crazy; I don't enjoy the pain. I wish I could curl up in bed and sleep until Cycle Day 3 or so. But I understand it and I respect it.

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Please admire my restraint above. I stopped after the period bit and - with some effort - restrained myself from pounding the cyclical/moon/wax/wane/aging body thing home with some nice tidal imagery or something. Perhaps I should have just inserted an image of a sledge hammer for subtlety while I was at it.

Many thanks to Raw Bananny for coming to visit this weekend! I had such a good time! And I love how much Ellie loves you both. And you picked up all the sticks and branches from the yard! You deserve a medal! Ellie has a fever tonight. I hope you're well.

Paul did our taxes tonight. Itemized. In about an hour and a half! Amazing. And we get money back! My first thought was - vacation with Jessica and Scott! Getting to see SBFH! My second thought was - ooooh, the new front porch. We shall see. More fiscally responsible thoughts ran a distant third and below.