The one in which I criticize other women and feel bad about it.
On a one-on-one basis, I get the name thing. I get the desire to have a single, simple family identity embodied in a name. I get the desire to lose the name of an abusive father or a despised ex-husband. I get it. I'm sympathetic.
But in the bigger picture, sometimes it frustrates me. It frustrates me that it's still the "norm" for women to change their names rather than the reverse, or some combination involving give-and-take on both sides. Some months after I got married, a woman at work - someone I didn't know very well and who doesn't know my husband at all - sent me an email saying that she almost didn't recognize me because my name hadn't changed. I mean, really!
That's small potatoes, though, because what really frustrates me are the professional ramifications. More specifically, how it effects me at work. I want to contact someone in the licensing department in Philadelphia, but I can't just shoot her an email or look her up in the company directory. I can't find her in the system because she got divorced and I can't remember her new last name.
One woman I worked with had 3 last names in 10 years. That's actually not so uncommon: single, married, divorced, remarried. I work with a lot of women. It's hard for me to remember names at the best of times, and when I have to remember the revolving names of dozens or hundreds of colleagues, it's just impossible. I was looking around the room during a meeting today, and saw several women whose names have changed in the past few years. It's very hard to keep track of women at work.
The thing is, I know and understand the stories of lots of these women. This one got divorced, that one got remarried, I love them and I understand why they changed their names. I am sympathetic. But why do they have to change their names at work every time?
At what point does it become unprofessional?
At what point does it begin to effect the way all women are seen in a professional setting?
Is there a point, after some arbitrary milestone, when a woman might decide to keep one name - a birth name or another one - just professionally?
When does the personal become political?
Is the personal ever really just personal?
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Happy release day to author Cara Putman! In this suspenseful novel, Janae
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30 comments:
I could not agree more. I understand the wanting to be "a family", but at the same time i want to be *me*. A name doesn't make you a family anymore than a piece of paper makes you life-long partners. Otherwise these poor gals wouldn't be going through so many name changes i imagine.
I'm a married, divorced and remarried person (as you know, Sarahlynn). Growing up, I always hated my maiden name of "Eisenberg" - my dad isn't that pleased with it either, so I'm not insulting anyone in my family by saying so (he makes dinner reservations under "Cleaver" - probably more to be funny than anything but, still). My parents were divorced when I was two, so I grew up as the only “Eisenberg” in my house and, therefore, have not really had a unified, family identity until I was married.
When I married and then divorced, I opted to keep my ex-husband's name. In the small town I was living in, it seemed like the right move - it was how everyone there knew me and I was very active in the community theater and the personal training certifications I had (hanging in my office) were all under that name.
After a few years and with more distance from the relationship, I began resenting having his last name...feeling as if I were carrying it around with me. I considered returning to my maiden name, especially since I had moved out of the area I had been living but then, as things with Scott grew more serious and I felt we would be married eventually, I knew I would want to take his name, so I waited.
I have a lot of girlfriends who have been married in the last year who have taken their husbands' names but not changed them at work - that's their right, in my opinion. For me, I was more comfortable being "Jessica Prince" at home and work but my organization also puts the employees' name changes in parenthesis in the company directory - so I'm listed as Jessica Prince (Ward). Eventually, this will drop off as others make the transition and come to recognize me by my new last name (on a side note - many in my company who do not know me well think Ward was my maiden name).
More than anything, though, I feel as if I'm still 'me' - I'm still the person I was as Eisenberg and Ward. My identity is more than my last name. I only resent when people send mail that reads “Mr. and Mrs. Scott Prince”, as if “Jessica” has fallen through the cracks somewhere! Sometimes, I find it easy to feel embarrassed or guilty that, at 32, I've already been married twice but it is my life and I'm stronger and wiser for it. In that respect, I'm grateful for the lessons learned and proud of whom I’ve become as a result of them.
I think women today who opt to keep their maiden name are still viewed as “unconventional” and often face a lot of "whys" and "well, that's different", which I find totally unfair. I support a woman's right to keep her name or change it with the same passion that I feel she has the right to choose whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term.
I'm with Jessica on this. I had a maiden name that truly didn't mean much to me, so there was never any doubt that I would change it when I married b/c the new name held meaning for me.
Upon the realization that I had married the spawn of satan and would never stay married to him, I kept my new name because of Kid L.
When I remarried the only option aside from Mr. MFBA's name would be to use my maiden name because I would have never kept my ex-married name. With Mr. MFBA's name I got my original initials back which oddly mean more to me than my maiden name.
As for work, I have never dealt with this, but I think doing something like Jessica's office would work well.
I love this post. Of course, once you read Jessica's story, you're enormously sympathetic to her circumstances, too. I loved my natal family & my weird last name: that's lucky, not universal. I married at 31, having already published a bit under that name, and so I had the strength to fight the skepticism of my in-laws, husband-to-be, (even my father), when I stood firm on keeping my name.
Still, I think the professional issues are really important and worth thinking through. Women often cave in and change their names when their children go to school (how will they now that I'm her mom? [by looking it up? by giving the child your surname as one of her middle names, as we have done...]). What about thinking about their professional lives with similar--well--concern, practicality, & professionalism. A company directory listing variants for a few years sounds practical and very helpful.
But, as you say, Sarahlynn, not an issue men have to deal with. Sigh.
Anne, that's it exactly! I think situations like CCW's and Jessica's are very common - and, Jessica, I definitely had you in mind when I wrote this. I am absolutely sympathetic to the reasons why you and CCW have changed your names: 100% understanding, no judgment from me.
Like I said, it's when I pull back and look at the big picture that I have concerns.
In case it wasn't clear from my post: I 100% support a woman's right to choose whether to keep or change her name.
However, when it's still very much the norm for women to take their husbands' names upon marriage, I think it's a choice that we, as women, need to examine carefully. Personal reasons not disregarded, there are also significant societal pressure to make this choice too.
Women have the right to make this choice, but it's not a choice made in a vacuum, so I believe that it's worth discussing - not in a way that's judging women who chose to replace their birth names with their husbands', but in a way that opens dialog moving forward.
Because when all women are pressured to make the same "choice," and indeed most women choose the same thing, then it's really not much of a choice for many.
In my opinion, I believe that my family is the most important part of my life. I am not my job...I very much enjoy "what I do" and have been lucky enough to find something that I can put my heart into, but when all is said and done, my job is ultimately just a way to make a living for my family.
I do believe that having a single family name can unify a family, but by no means must it be the man's name. Tradition is not a compelling enough factor for choosing the man's name by default. My family happens to have my name, but only because we chose that as the best option. Had I had a name that I did not want for whatever reason, I would have gladly chosen my wife's or created a new name with my wife.
One's "professional" identity is important, but in my opinion, not nearly as important as my family's identity.
On a more personal note, like Anne, I experienced some pressure from my in-laws (though none from Paul, thankfully). My mother-in-law tearfully told me about how being Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname filled her with pride. She obviously took it as a personal judgment that I chose not to change my name, and she took it as an insult to her son, as well.
I think her reaction is a perfect example of why this issue needs to be discussed.
Why should a woman keeping her own name be considered an insult to a man?
Why do so many women I meet react defensively, as if I've insulted them just by clarifying that I kept my name after I was married?
Clearly, these choices have larger ramifications than simply what happens within our families.
That said, I will confess that there was one time I was hurt when a woman decided to change her name. When my sister chose to take her husband's last name, I felt like she was rejecting me, rejecting our family in favor of his. But because I love my sister and it was her choice, I did not say anything to her about it once her decision was firmly made. Well, except to point out that there is a porn star with her new name.
First of all, Sarahlynn, you've gotten a comment from my husband?! He's never commented on my own blog - hee/hee!!
I appreciate what you are saying, Sarahlynn, I really do (and I hope you know how much I value and respect your opinion on ANYTHING) - I think my first thought when I was reading your original post was that, although I'm sympathetic to the confusion and/or perception surrounding the "professional" aspects of name change, I would more appreciate the organization working out a viable solution (as I feel mine did) rather than suggest a woman can't take her husband's name at work (if that is her desired choice), just to accommodate co-workers or, for that matter, maintain a professional image as I would prefer to be perceived by my performance rather than how often my name changes. I'm not so naive to think the latter isn't a factor but it's not ultimately what I find to be important.
Scott, thanks for commenting!
And I agree with everything you've said; however, the vast majority of the time it is the husband's name that becomes the family name, which is why I think this discussion has significance.
I also think that professional identity and personal identity need not be identical - I keep lots of my personal identity out of the workplace and am far more professional there in general.
Having more than 1 or 2 last names in the course of the same career can have signficant professional impact for women.
We all draw the line in different places, and that's fine as long as we're still talking about the issue.
I support a woman's right to choose, whether we're talking about reproduction or her choice of last name. But I was not happy that my wife chose to keep her last name.
I never had any fantasies about my wedding day, but I did have vague fantasies about being the head of my own household. Of hearing my wife respond to Mrs. Ourname and it filling her with pride. Of a house full of children being referred to as the Ourname clan. No, it's not exactly PC or anything, but it was how I'd grown up. But it wasn't to be. She didn't want that.
In the end we compromised. She kept her name and our children get my name. I'm not happy with the situation, but it's better than the alternatives. I didn't want to take her name although I know someone who did that. I have a problem with hypenating as I can see it causing problems down the road when Susie Donaldson-Klein and Bobby Arnold-Hermanson get married themselves. The thought of starting with a brand-new name seemed ridiculous. And after the arguments that we had over picking names for our child I can't imagine how that would have gone. She'd probably have shot down all of my cool sounding names.
Now we just get to be the utter bane of telemarketers and mass mailers.
"Mr. Hername?" "No, he's not here."
"Mrs. Hisname?" "Never heard of her."
Saralynn, Do you recall when a guy in APO decided to take his wife's last name, and what a stir that created?
Also, Alix & Kevin seriously considered creating a new last name for themselves. They ended up using his last name, but she did take the opportunity to legally change her name to [middle] [maiden] [married surname]. It got rid of a first name that she despised and made identifying herself much easier than explaining that she went by her middle name.
I think that mypetrock's comment above exactly nails on the head how many "liberals" feel about the name issue. And this is what I mean when I suggest that the issue is far from settled.
Your comment about the problem when two kids with hyphenated names marry is a specious argument.
I don't get to choose what my kids grow up to be, who they marry, or what they call themselves. My kids have free agency to make their own choices as adults, just as I have.
***
Flatflo, I do remember Chris and Kim's decision. I thought it was really cool at the time, and they were the only people I'd ever heard of who'd done anything like that. I thought the religion-for-name trade was a good idea.
I have a co-worker who made that same deal, and I know two engaged couples who are planning to hyphenate both names to create their new family names. They're still the exception to the rule, though.
I love Alix and Kevin. Alix talked to me a lot when she was making up her mind about what to do with her name after their marrage. I respect Alix so much and am glad that things are great for them right now.
I still have a mini-present for you, by the way (for being Houdini visitor #20,000 monay months ago).
My sister was going to be Professor Birthname at work, and then Mrs. Birthname-Hisname at home, but eventually elided into Professor Birthname Hisname. I have to admit it made me a little sad. This whole name thing is hard and confusing. I know a couple where each kept their names with the girl children taking her last name (with his as middle name) and the boys doing the flip flop of that, which created all sorts of school confusion. One of my students just made up a new name that was a combo of both of their names (which works when you both have 1 syllable last names). I don't know....maybe I'm lucky to be a spinster. I really don't think I could turn to any name but my own.
And I've lost 3 college buddies because I can't figure out their new last names and the alumni/ae association doesn't store their info under birthnames.
PPB, that reminded me of my greatest frustration after I decided to keep my name. (For a time I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do so I didn't do anything, then eventually that began to feel just right.)
Our church had a hard time with it. After the wedding, we automatically became Mr. and Mrs. Paul Hislastname on everything. And since regardless of what I did with my last name, I did not want to become Mrs. Paul overnight and I was the one writing the tithe checks, this quickly became an issue.
But the software the church had made customization impossible. I'm still not sure how they worked around it; I wouldn't be surprised to learn that someone addresses our mail on the typewriter now.
As Sarahlynn's husband with a different last name, I just thought I'd throw in my opinion, too.
I think the solution that we came to works great for our family:
Mr. A
Ms. B
Little A-B
(We considered A'B, some truncation of both last names smushed together, but then we would have been the "Lesbo" family.)
It's representative of how genetics works, too... with the exception that children get far more genetic material from their mothers -- all that silly mitochondrial DNA that we don't talk about. But we do have a family name, in the end: A-B. And Ellie can certainly make whatever choice she feels is appropriate when she gets married:
Ms. A-B
Mr. C
That being said, it isn't the best arrangement for everyone. I think that it would be the ideal world if families chose for themselves what they wanted to do. The problem is, that with such a strong patriarchal social tradition that the act of choosing anything other than the norm is not an equal choice. You're considered fringe or "Liberal" or "Feminist" to not take take your husband's name. All of those things have a negative connotation in certain circles. So, all choices are not equally viable or accepted on a social level. That's why I'm proud that Sarahlynn makes these kinds of posts. Sure they're fringe or "Feminist" or "Liberal" or whatever right now... but they shouldn't be... and because of her, someday, they won't be.
Forgot to finish my note about what Ellie can do with her family name after getting married: anything she wants.
Ms. A-B
Mr. C
The A'B-C family.
The C family.
The A-B family.
The D family -- maybe both ancestories share a common name, we looked at that to find a first name for Ellie, but in the end chose Ellie just because it felt right.
But really, "what's in a name? A rose by any other..."
Names! Gah!
When I got married at 21, I changed my name. Huge mistake. It totally altered my personality. Obviously this doesn't happen to every woman, but when I changed my name, I lost my identity. When I divorced the jerk, I got it back and vowed never to change my name again.
When I got married again, I kept my name. This caused real problems with his side of the family, who for years insisted on addressing me as Mrs. His-last-name. It finally took the intervention of my husband to get them to call me by my actual name.
When I was pregnant with Frances, we made a deal: a girl would have my last name, a boy would have his. The other person's last name woudl be included as a second middle name so that both of us are acknowledged in their name but neither of us have proprietary rights. Our child was a girl, so she has my last name; it has never caused us any problems. If we have another child, that child will have his last name. Fair's fair.
I would never have married my current husband if he'd had the attitude that I owed him a name change, or that he was entitled to be "head of the household" by virtue of his anatomy. Never. The attitude is totally repulsive to me.
In my office, two of the women I work with changed their names at marriage. Four did not. I admit I am more comfortable in an atmosphere where other women share this attitude towards name changing than I have been in previous environments where they did not; this is probably an unreasonable prejudice on my part, but having done the name change thing once, I don't get the appeal anymore. One of my very good friends and her husband picked a new family name at marriage, just found one they liked in the phonebook. I like that approach too, but I've learned that for myself my identity is connected to my name, for better or worse, and I'd better not tamper with it.
I kept my last name after getting married--mostly based on the not-necessarily-very-feminist gut feeling that I really like my last name (among other things, it's very easy to spell) and the family that I came from; there was also the added bonus that I'd published some under that name, and as I was proud of that (and plan to do more of it), I wanted to keep it. My inlaws have never said anything to my face, but they told my husband "you'd better make sure your (hypothetical at this point) kids get your name--otherwise that's the end of the family line!" Everyone from colleagues from work to customer service people at the phone company have questioned my decision. I told my husband if it bothered him, we could discuss it; but otherwise, I was keeping my name. He's cool with that, and doesn't seem to really care about the kids' names (though we probably will use his name--I have my father's, after all--and perhaps ironically, I want to give the kids their maternal and paternal grandparents' names as middle names--a tradition in my family that is another way of creating a "family" identification through naming).
As I've been forced to think about the issue more by other people and their reactions, I think one of the underlying reasons why I chose not to change has to do with what I do for a living. I'm a historian, and have done quite a bit of work on gender and the law. In the U.S. until the mid-late 19th century, a woman entirely lost her legal identity--her right to own property, right to sign contracts, go to court, control the wages she earned, make decisions about her children's education, etc.--when she married; this was symbolized by the changing of her name. To me, that's mostly what the name change symbolizes--a relic of the past and not much more, really--and I don't want to perpetuate that. But of course, it means different things to different people. A good friend recently got married and couldn't wait to change her name; she and her father have a very strained relationship, and being a part of his family was never a happy experience for her. [She does use her maiden name as sort of a middle name in the company directory at her work, though, to try to cut down on confusion.] I think it's cool that she's done what seems right for her and her new husband.
I forgot to say that when I married the first time my legal name was : first, middle, maiden, his name. However, it was crazy how many problems this created with my credit and our taxes. That extra initial made tax time a nightmare every single year.
That is the main reason why I dumped maiden name all together when I remarried.
Also, I do truly appreciate what you are saying. It's not the name change, it's the reason for the change. It has to do with our patriarchal society's expectations.
Ooh, a present--I can't wait! Thanks, Saralynn.
This reminded me of my best friend (whose blog leads me into yours!) Her parent belong to country clubs and she had a debutante party, to give you an idea of her social background. She was not given a middle name at birth, as it was expected that she would take her husbands last name and her maiden name would become her middle name. She really debated on even taking her husband's last name, as she had published under her name. Plus, her husband was born in India, where the naming conventions are very different. His last name was his father's last name. I believe they considered using just two syllables of the four syllable name, too.
I will most probably take my fiance's last name (when we finally buckle down and plan a wedding!) but I do admire those women who don't. My last name is difficult to get correct, even when I spell it for someone, so I will welcome the ease of spelling. I do not want to be Mrs. John Doe, however that is still the "correct" address according to Emily Post. In years past it was socially incorrect to say Mrs. Jane Doe unless you were a divorcee.
It bugs me that keeping your name is still seen as so different. I got a lot of eyerolls, as if, come on, show's over! No need for feminism any more! It gets me really angry, actually. It bugs me too that people seem to think of my name as my father's name, and yet see my husband's name as fully HIS name.
I gave my sons my name as their middle names instead of hyphenating, I guess because I didn't feel certain about making them stand up to people's idiocy like I have to. I almost regret it though. It always bugged me how even women who keep their names automatically still give their kids their father's name.
Wow, such a heavy topic... at least for people like you 'n me. My decision was not easy 26 years ago, but I did not change my name for all sorts of reasons. And I come from a household where the father was an alcoholic wife beater, but goddamnit, IT WAS MY NAME. We didn't have much, but I had my name.
I didn't change my name at first, esp since I was a teacher, and my default was called by Miss Myname or Mrs. Hismother'sname. I couldn't stand that thought so I kept my name for soooooo many reasons, but mainly because IT WAS MY NAME. (Whe I returnd to school after our Christmas wedding, the secretaries were all posed to make the name change and called me into the office to do the paperwork. They actually seemed disappointed when I had to tell them, "There's nothing to do.")
When my sister got married in 1970, she kept her name for the most part but accidentally signed her name (with first name, birth name, hislastname) when they bought a house, and, therefore, his last name became her legal last name even though she never once used it. Upon the divorce, she had to pay to get her name back. (Now going back to your maiden name is so common that the cost is built into the divorce fee, but at the time, it was extra.) I was sooooo incensed that you would have to PAY for something that belonged to you that I vowed never to change my name.
However, upon the birth of our daughter (1983), I was Miss Myname, the baby was Emily Myname, and he was called Dave Myname so as not to cause confusion with (my) insurance or allow the hospital to accidentally give us the wrong baby. WTF??? So when I changed professions (where I was no longer called Miss or Mrs. Lastname), I say that I didn't change my name. I ADDED his name. I have fought VERY hard so the next generation does not have to justify their choices. I took my birth certificate with me to the DMV so I could keep my birth name as my middle name. Do you know if you don't take your birth certificate with you when you add his name to your name on your license, they won't let you keep your BIRTH name even if that's the name on your license (and you obviously showed them your bc when you got the damn thing when you were 16)?? I never ever let anyone get away with calling me by his last name alone. I get tired of fighting to have my name be the way I want it, but I will never gave up and let "them" win.
His parents never did figure it out (and he sure didn't help the situation to explain it clearly), my grandparents (the people's whose last name I kept) never did figure it out, but they were old, and my very Baptist (conservative) sister hasn't figured it out to this day And now, my daughter never wants to change her name and has broken the news to her boyfriend that she will never be anything but Ms/Miss Herlastname. (Although ok with it, I think it still took him by surprise.) And I hope that the steps I took make that choice easier for her.
I really do envy women who are blase about their names that they don't even give the changing to the husband's name tradition a second thought. It was and remains a struggle with me. But I have to admit, one realization I came up with is no matter that you're trying to honor your "maiden" name (which I call a birth name because since when was I ever a maiden), you're honoring another man. Not a woman. So even though I kept my birth name, it was my father's name. And if I changed my name to my mother's last name, it was HER father's name. It is virtually impossible to honor the women's name. Unless we went back to the beginning and called you Sarahlynn EVE and me Ellen EVE. ;-)
Wow, lots of interesting perspectives. I just wanted to de-lurk with my story, since it's a bit of the inverse of many here. I'm an adademic who took my husband's name. In a university setting I'm the odd-woman out for this. I've had women ask me "Why would you take his name? What if you get divorced?" To which my reply is utter disbelief that one would enter a marriage with some sort of eye on it's demise. In my case I was young when we married (22) and simply didn't have strong attachment to my maiden name. Hyphenating was simply not an option, the combination was very bad. I'm very happy to have parted ways with my maiden name and it's connection to certain individuals in my life.
I think you're right to question the social context of the decision and think that we should more openly embrace all options people face. It is in the end a decision that is most often made with personal not societal motivations and I'm not sure that is wrong, or should be different.
Wow. Like I said before, who knew?
I really did not consider changing my name when I got married 31 years ago. The idea of being Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname was absolutely revolting to mke. And I didn't have any more interest in adding his last name to mine.
But as I said in my blog, what other people do is their business. I just can't believe that one of my friends didn't think my name was important enough to use when she addressed an envelope.
Ummmmm....just a quick comment about this:
I grew up in two households. In one household my dad, Mr. Dad's Last Name, and my step mother, Ms. Kept Her Dad's Last Name.
In the other, my Mom, Ms. My Dad's Last Name, and my step father, Mr. Step-father's last name.
My dad's last name is hideous. No one who sees it can pronounce it. No one who hears it can spell it.
My husband's last name is Miller. I took it.
I once dated a guy whose last name was worse than my Dad's. I would have kept my Dad's if I had married him.
I know that the personal is political. But names can also be shackles. We should throw them off if we want to.
Ms. Polkadot's comment on this is the best one I've ever heard:
It bugs me too that people seem to think of my name as my father's name, and yet see my husband's name as fully HIS name.
Oh yes, exactly.
I can understand wanting to leave your family name behind if you have bad assiociations with it or hate it for any reason, or whatever. But the problem I have with that is this, why do you have to do it when you get married? If you want to change your name for any reason, then change it, but I feel that by doing this as a part of marriage, you're just contributing to the pressure on women who don't want to change.
Also if disliking your name is a major reason for changing it on marriage, wouldn't we expect to see a similar number of men doing it, as presumably a similar number of men dislike their names.
Ok, so I am being judgemental about this, but it's something I really hate, and would love to see the association between name changing and marriage disappear, and only exist as something individual couples could choose to do if *they* wanted to, without either choice being so loaded with judgement and "meaning".
Hello! I found you via the Carnival of the Feminists.
The name thing is a huge issue for me, but it's a little bit different. I'm Puerto Rican, and I've been living in the States for 3 years. In Latin America, everybody has two last names. Yes, two. The first one is the father's and the second one is the mother's. Some people also have middle names. I don't. So my name is Emily LastName1 LastName2. When I was applying to grad schools, one of my undergrad professors suggested that I insert a hyphen between the two last names, because in the States people use only one last name and everyone would assume that LastName1 is my middle name (which it is not). I thought that was weird, but the professor probably knows what he's talking about because he went to grad school in the States, so I put the hyphen. Now my name is Emily LastName1-LastName2.
After moving to the States, I had a few problems with my birth certificate and social security card not having the hyphen, so I had to get a new Soc.Sec. card, with the hyphen. My birth certificate still has no hyphen, and it's in Spanish. All my documents now have the hyphen, except the birth certificate.
Many people for some strange reason still insist on calling me Emily LastName2, even though the hyphen is there with the intention of preventing that from happening. I am not Emily LastName2, that's a completely different person. I am Emily LastName1 LastName2, with or without the hyphen. It's who I am, it's who I was born.
And of course I get the occasional junk mail addressed to Mrs LastName2, which just makes me mad. I am not married, why would they just assume that? In Latin America, women do NOT take the husband's last name when marrying. Everybody keeps their two original last names all their lives. And it's not a problem when people get married and have children, since kids get one last name from each parent. It's a simple system, really.
Right now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful American man, and we see marriage in the future. He understands that the whole "woman takes husband's last name upon marriage" thing is something that I just learned about when I moved here and it's not part of my culture. He also understands that as a scientist-in-training, I've published some papers under my name and a name-change would make it hard for people to find things that I've written. So I have no problems at all in that area. I will not take his last name when we marry.
But then what happens if we have kids? I'd hate to see any children of mine go through the hell I've gone through in explaining the two-last-names issue to an American culture that in general does not seem to want to accept that such a thing actually exists elsewhere in the world. But also, if my children only get his last name and at some point we decide to move to Puerto Rico, in my culture my children will be freaks with only one last name. The usual reaction is "You have only one last name? What, you dont have a mother?".
For now, I think I don't have to worry about that, since we don't plan on children for at least 5 years (I'm 24 and I want to finish my PhD first). But it's something that every now and then gets in my mind and it's very annoying that I even have to worry about it. In Puerto Rico I'd have no problem. Our kids would be "Name HisLastName MyLastName1", and no one would be confused.
And also, I've never really liked the term "Mrs". Personal opinion here only. I would not want to be refered to as "Mrs HisLastName". We've already discussed this and we agreed that after we both get our PhDs it shouldn't be too much of a problem to get mail addressed to us as "Dr HisLastName & Dr LastName1-LastName2", or at least we hope so :-)
Sarah: Also if disliking your name is a major reason for changing it on marriage, wouldn't we expect to see a similar number of men doing it, as presumably a similar number of men dislike their names.
Exactly! This discrepancy is a big part of my argument that it's not yet really a real choice, since there's obviously pressure on women to choose to take our husbands' names.
Hi, Emily! Good points. I have a friend from Puerto Rico, and your "What, you don't have a mother?" line is also her mother's line. She had lots of problems with her documents, too.
I don't think that kids in the US with two (hyphenated) last names have any difficulty. At least, mine hasn't so far. I think that attitudes are slowly changing, and this new generation of kids growing up now will be much more understanding and accepting of differences.
My girlfriend changed her name when she married and kept the new namewhen they divorced. As a dedicated Lucy Stoner, I'm not sure what to vote for her to do if she and I get married.
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