Pepper

We were having dinner at Applebee's tonight, when the music reminded me that I could be a real asshole in college. I'm sure I'm all better now, though.

The summer between high school and college, some high school buddies and I went to see Stone Temple Pilots, playing with Butthole Surfers and The Flaming Lips, at The Aragon Ballroom in Chicago.

One of these high school buddies was my high-school-graduation-night to fall-of-senior-year-of-college boyfriend, and he's the one who really taught me how to be an asshole. He was a champ at that, and he was also funny as hell.

My sophomore year of college, I became friends with a really good guy who was most decidedly not an asshole. Of course, he wasn't really all that funny, either. You win some, you lose some. Let's call him Earnest. Things were great, until Earnest started "dating" one of my roommates senior year.

They didn't date in the usual way. They didn't even date in the abnormal, college way. They had a unique style of dating. They didn't talk much. When they did, it was in high, squeaky voices through stuffed animals. After they had been "dating" for about 6 months, around Valentine's Day, he asked her if it would be OK if he kissed her on the cheek. Seriously.

The unusual nature of this relationship, I believe, came mostly from her. And she did not approve of me. I kept irregular hours. I didn't iron my jeans. I had - gasp! - been seen drinking modest quantities of alcohol. It was suspected that perhaps I kept company with my boyfriend at indecent hours.

By senior year, we were all living in a really nice dorm consisting of "suites" for upper-classfolk. We had a living room, bathroom, and four large (single) bedrooms. A cleaning person came in regularly to refill the toilet paper and clean all the common areas. It was amazing. Like most of the living spaces at Wash U, our dorm was co-ed, though each suite was single sex.

Since my roommates all went to bed early, I spent a lot of time downstairs in the suite where my (ex)boyfriend lived with our buddies, including Earnest.

This was all a little awkward once my suitemate convinced Earnest to dump me and his own suitemates. We played Nintendo late into the wee hours and ordered pizza nearly every night. Clearly, we were a menace. Earnest began staying shut in his own room and ignored us as much as possible.

Well, Earnest was regular as clockwork. Every evening at about 10:00, he'd disappear into the bathroom for an extended period of time.

My (ex)boyfriend took to BLASTING the Butthole Surfers as loudly as possible during while he was in there. How rude. I though it was hilarious.

One night we shoved a car air freshener under Earnest's door after he went to sleep. The smell was nauseating even outside of his room, and he did not look well all the next day. I'm still laughing.

Ah, good times, good times.

I still miss Earnest, but I'm still mad at him too.