Thursday, March 03, 2005

Violence and Fat

I'm still thinking about men and women and violence, and I want to explore a little more about how weight ties in to how I feel.

I hate the way I look and feel right now. I loved my strong, healthy body when I was married. I have been married for 4 years and have probably gained 10 pounds a year since then. So, yeah. Sometimes I see pictures of myself and think, "That can't be me! I don't look like that!"

There are very few things that I like about being overweight, but there are two advantages.

1) I feel invisible to men. While I was flattered by positive attention before, in a way this is oddly freeing.

2) I am larger, more substantial. I take up more space. I'm not easily pushed around. I feel less. . . fragile. Even though I was in good shape before, I was small. Now I'm not. In an odd way, there's a sort of power in this.

I guess that's my silver lining for the day. I still hate the way I look and feel. I'd like to give the smaller, more vulnerable, more visible me a try again. If only there wasn't so much sweat and hunger in between here and there.

6 comments:

Psycho Kitty said...

That's it. We are SO having a playdate.
The kids can come along, if they want.

Sarahlynn said...

I'm in!

Redhead Editor said...

Can I come along? You and I are kindred spirits. This can't be my body. I have to go buy clothes this weekend for my new job, and I don't want to buy clothes for this body. I have been working out for 6 weeks with NO results. I don't eat that much. I blame it on the meds I take. But I am so much more than "that fat lady" over there. I have a heart and a soul and so much humor. And I'm even sexy. Hard to find under the fat!

Moreena said...

Interesting thoughts. I've also noticed the feeling of being invisible with my new value-added body post kids. But I usually attributed this to the whole mental shift that comes with having kids.

Mostly I just have been having a hard time giving a damn anymore what I look like. Once a nurse in the hospital (our favorite nurse, so not someone being unfriendly) gently suggested that I wear something besides the holey sweatpants I had been wearing for the past several days. Hey, I had sewn up the holes in the buttocks area! Anyway, I was shocked that she would even think that it mattered one little bit to me what I looked like at that point. Eventually, though, I took her advice, got out and bought some new clothes to wear around the ICU, and surprise surprise I did actually feel better.

It's this strange thing that we can sometimes completely forget what we look like (and I think that it's also one of the blessings of growing older). Still there is a part of me that enjoys looking good and being healthy.

Did this relate at all to your post?

none said...

I think I understand, even though in my case I found another way to become "invisible" and thus be "safe". I just ignored my body or abused it.

It's gotten better, now that I started working through my issues, but I still don't do anywhere near enough for myself, but at least now I know how if I want to.

Sarahlynn said...

Moreena and Ciara - yes.