Violence and Fat

I'm still thinking about men and women and violence, and I want to explore a little more about how weight ties in to how I feel.

I hate the way I look and feel right now. I loved my strong, healthy body when I was married. I have been married for 4 years and have probably gained 10 pounds a year since then. So, yeah. Sometimes I see pictures of myself and think, "That can't be me! I don't look like that!"

There are very few things that I like about being overweight, but there are two advantages.

1) I feel invisible to men. While I was flattered by positive attention before, in a way this is oddly freeing.

2) I am larger, more substantial. I take up more space. I'm not easily pushed around. I feel less. . . fragile. Even though I was in good shape before, I was small. Now I'm not. In an odd way, there's a sort of power in this.

I guess that's my silver lining for the day. I still hate the way I look and feel. I'd like to give the smaller, more vulnerable, more visible me a try again. If only there wasn't so much sweat and hunger in between here and there.