Thursday, January 27, 2005

Navel-gazing

I think I have blogger-block. I haven't known what to say for a few days. I just finished The Lovely Bones, so that's part of it. I mean, what to you say to that? Well, you go look at your sleeping child and wish a little bit that she'd wake up so that you can kiss her cheeks and hug her and tell her how much you love her, today, tomorrow, and always.

Who hasn't laid awake late at night, imagining the world if you died? The event of your death, the notification of your family, the aftermath . . . it's a self-indulgent, masochistic fantasy. I really enjoyed this activity when I was 14, though I also admit to having indulged in it much more recently. I really hope I have some notice before I die. I would certainly clean up my room. Organize my finances. Buy more life insurance.

Today was Ellie's fourth day at school. Again, she didn't cry when her daddy left her. And she had a lot of fun, I'm told. Then again, who wouldn't have fun when the day's main activity is to find raisins hidden in Cool Whip? Especially fun for a kid who doesn't often get sugar at home (her three different first birthday celebrations being noteable exceptions, along with any trip to Grandma's).

I am glad that she is in school and that it's going so well. I am glad to be back at work. I am glad not to be back full-time.

I am so very lucky right now. But you know what? Since I'm feeling all self-indulgent and tangential - I think I deserve a little luck. Monday, Ellie had another appointment with her ENT and Chicken Little, the audiologist. It's not fair that Ellie has to go to the doctor so often. It's not fair that every time things are going smoothly and I start to relax, we have a blip on the radar screen. Some people have it so much worse. But it's exhausting being on guard all the time. I mean, how do you handle knowing that your kid, while wonderfully healthy now, is at higher risk for little thinks like vision problems, hearing problems, speech problems, developmental delays, and leukemia?

So I'll take my luck right now, thankyouverymuch. I won't look this gift-horse in the mouth.

1 comment:

trisha said...

Hooray for your luck! You deserve luck, dammit.

Sorry you guys have to deal with all of that...

I have never pictured what it would be like if I died. Does that make me weird?