Fitness and Health Week 3

I have a maximum weight.  I'm sure it's physically possible for me to get heavier than this arbitrary number, but there's a moment at which I've finally had enough.  I don't want to make plans to go out in public, I'm miserable, my inertia finally is overwhelmed by my need for positive change.

I've hit this point twice in my life.  Each time I started to take steps to address the problem,  I stepped on the scale and saw the exact same number.  So that's my max.

It's not pregnancy that does me in; it's the aftermath.  Not the immediate aftermath, but the subsequent two years.  I love my babies.  I love snuggling them and nursing them and changing them and dressing them and helping them explore their world. 

But I lose myself in the process.  And when I do, I fill the void with food.

You don't get fat in a day.  I breastfed each of my girls for over two years.  During this time - not related to the breastfeeding, I believe, but who knows - each of them were very clingy and attached to me.  This is, I am assured, how it's supposed to be.  It took each of my children two years to begin to venture out into the world on their own just a little (walking independently, talking, being willing to stay with a sitter or in a kids morning out program without screaming the whole time I'm apart from them).  Around this same time, they're ready to stop breastfeeding.

 I don't think it's a coincidence that just a couple of months later - after each daughter - I suddenly feel ready to diet, to exercise, to at least stop binge eating.  I begin to take care of myself a little more.  I might put on lipstick, have my hair trimmed, buy a few new clothes.  It's like I'm becoming reacquainted with myself, neglected for so long.

But you don't get unfat in a day, either.  I've lost weight over the past several months as I've been exercising.  It's coming off a lot faster, now that I'm dieting too.  I'm about halfway back to where I want to be.  There's a long way to go, but I've already lost the weight of, say, a two year old.

I love babies, but I don't think they're very good for me.  I wonder if there's any way I could ever have another one and still keep myself healthy and sane.