The Parenting Olympics II

Welcome to the Home 2008 Games! Once again this year, The Sarahlynn Online Live Network has been granted exclusive media rights to cover the competition. The SOL Network proudly features both biased and emotionally manipulative coverage, unilaterally deciding which events and contestants merit sympathetic focus.
For today’s broadcast, we're focused on parents Paul and Sarahlynn.
And now, a summary of our medal count expectations to date:

Event: Creating the Children
Paul claims a lot of credit for his important role in this team event, but fans in the all-important “mothers” demographic throw their support behind team captain Sarahlynn for her notable endurance in the “incubator” and “finish line” portions of the contest.

Event: Going to Sleep
Despite Sarahlynn's early superiority here given her breasts body type, Paul has emerged as a strong competitor in this event. For the first time this year, this event will be staged in two different bedroom arenas for two different levels of competition: infant and preschool. Currently, Paul is competing more strongly in the “preschool” category, while Sarahlynn still leads in the “infant” room.

Event: Potty Training
Despite the fans' strong support of Paul, Sarahlynn periodically pulls ahead due to sheer consistency and stamina. Neither competitor is performing at Olympic levels here, I'm afraid. Hopefully we'll soon see a big improvement.

Event: Discipline
Recently, both competitors have begun work with new coaches, retooling their techniques. We look forward to this contest with enthusiasm, eager to see which experimental approach will win the day.

Event: Coping while Tired
This competition has been fierce in places (cough cough) but Sarahlynn emerges the clear victor. Judging is closed and no disputes are currently being heard.

Event: Balancing Career and Motherhood (Paul has registered a formal complaint at his exclusion from this category.)
In 2004, Sarahlynn and her former teammates memorably decided via consensus that no single gold medal would be awarded. Instead, all the women pooled their resources for group lunches and happy hours. This controversial event will be considered an “unofficial” part of the 2008 Games.

Event: Enriching Activities
Sarahlynn took an impressive early lead in this category, but lately both contestants have been floundering. Neither seems motivated and both seem exhausted. I don't think they're in the proper shape for such a long-haul event. Frankly, they're competing for the bronze.

Sponsored Olympic Moment:
These advertiser-friendly and emotionally manipulative editorials are shot in warm lighting and soft focus, profiling the amazing job Paul's and Sarahlynn's parents did in their day. They each conclude with tearful modern-day contestants revealing their fears that they are doing but a pale comparison of what their parents did before them.

Event: Reading and Singing
After the short program, all contestants forfeited rather than compete in the extremely repetitive long program.

Event: Extreme Sports, including child balancing and very short range tossing
Paul is the clear leader in this area, but a protest has been lodged by the opposition that these events are unsafe and should not be included in the competition.

Event: Toddler-Assisted Walk (an endurance sport)
All contestants in this category have complained of back pain.

All of these events are currently ongoing, but starting times are repeatedly delayed by contestants’ late arrivals. As for the rest of the coverage, while judging ceremonies may have already occurred in real time, your access to the results will have to await the network's leisure.

In our next segment, we will introduce several experts who will explain why “keeping score” in The Parenting Olympics is a bad idea. And then we will pelt the judges with soggy goldfish crackers.