Unconventional Date Night

Summer 2000

Spring 2008


Therapy nights are great date nights. We have a sitter and she has food to feed the children. After work, Paul and I drive - usually together - to see our therapist, which provides time alone together in the car for adult conversation without interruptions! After a session, which feels productive on several different levels, we head slowly back home, often stopping for supper along the way. I don't think this is what people have in mind when they suggest that parents of young children "make time for yourselves as a couple," but it's not a bad way to do it, either.

I think that most relationships would benefit from a little therapy, at least occasionally. It's impossible for us each to have perfect perspective on what's going on so close to home, and an impartial and professional third party can be a great help in identifying relationship stressors (even those that we deny to ourselves by subconsciously pushing down uncomfortable thoughts) and developing strategies for coping with them more effectively.

But - and of course there is a but - therapy is pretty much useless unless all participants want to be there and are willing to really work at it. You've got to check your skepticism at the door and really be willing to believe in the likelihood of success.

I have always been a therapy skeptic, but over the past year and a half, my perspective has undergone a massive shift. Due to the phenomenal assistance of two fantastic marriage and family therapists (note the therapist locator links), Paul's work on his own with a therapist, and his willingness to join with me in working very hard at our marriage, we're in a healthier place than we have been in a long, long time. In some ways, we're healthier than we ever have been, since we've both learned to admit to ourselves and speak up to each other about the grains of sand that accumulate over time to foul up the machinery.

We don't see our therapist all the time, now, but when we start feeling like we're running a little rough, not communicating well, fighting more frequently, we call and set up an appointment. This last time, things got better as soon as I made the call. But when we sat down in session and the therapist said, "I'm glad you called. You did the right thing, coming in," I knew that she was right. And she helped us identify why things had been building up, and it really was the right thing, even though by the time we go there we hardly felt like we needed it. (We did need it. Just because the engine stops knocking when the mechanic is in the car doesn't mean that there's no problem!)

Several people I care about have talked to me about therapy: how it's working for us, how it might be beneficial to them. But, so frequently, I hear, "My husband/wife would never agree . . . " and that's a huge problem. In my experience, both parties really have to be willing to do the work together. I also hear a lot of "we don't have the time," or "we can't afford it." To the former, I suggest that we make the time for what's most important to us, and to the latter, I ask: Can you afford not to? How important is your partnership? How hard are you willing to work to keep it, to enrich it, to make it better?