Foot in Mouth

I am fantastic at fitting my entire foot in my mouth.

If I start dishing about a co-worker while out to lunch, her best friend is likely to be sitting right behind me. If I'm talking to a friend who is dealing with infertility, I can't seem to stop myself from talking about babies babies babies.

I used to work with a woman my good friend didn't like (long story). We had company bulletin boards where you could post stuff you wanted to sell to other coworkers. Once I "replied" to woman-I-didn't-like instead of "forwarding" her post along to my friend. With catty commentary, of course. Oops.

Here's one that still bugs me from about 10 years ago. Especially since this couple is in our extended group of friends and we see them not infrequently. In fact, I just went to their baby shower a couple of weeks ago.

My parents never talked about money and my mom doesn't wear much jewelry. I was out of school, working at my first "real" [read: career-track] job, and lots of my coworkers talked about rings and diamonds and stuff like that. I myself was in a long-term committed relationship (Hi, Paul!) and decided that I was interested in learning more.

I went to the library and checked out a large, full color, beautiful reference book on diamonds. I rechecked it a few times and read the whole thing cover-to-cover. (I'm sure that the book's presence on the coffee table didn't bother poor Paul at all.)

One night, I was out drinking at a favorite bar with friends, including buddy S, when his brand-new fiance came in.

"Congrats!" I said with excitement. Then it all went downhill. "Can I see your ring? How big is that diamond?"

I still cringe with embarassment whenever I think about it. At the time, I really wasn't thinking. I didn't have any friends who were engaged or married at the time, and my interest was purely academic. I wanted a benchmark. "Oh, so that's what size X looks like." But, man, was that ever inappropriate. And I sure think about it whenever we see them.

A few weeks ago, Ellie and I went out to brunch with a friend. We ran into a family from church at the restaurant and ended up all eating together. This is a really really nice family. The husband had just gotten a new job, and he ended up paying for all of us, which makes my episode of verbal diahrea even worse.

He was talking about his new job, and how his coworkers were all Christians, Presbyterian, in fact!

And even as I watched myself with horror from behind my imagination's sheltering hands, I found myself pontificating on the differences between those Presbyterians and us.

(In this case, it's not too late to fix it. I've written a carefully crafted apology disguised as a thank you note for the brunch. I just need to get their new address and mail it.)

Maybe someday I'll grow up and out of this. But maybe not. I've got a friend and former co-worker - and you know who you are! - who once replied to an email from Human Resources announcing FREE KRISPIE KREMES in all the breakrooms with a two-word email: "YOU B*TCH!" Sans asterisk. Reply to All. Yes, whole office.

I think the best solution, since "think before you speak" is never going to work for me, is to cultivate a reputation as "a real character" so that things like this are expected of me. Or I could just get really really rich. The extraordinarily wealthy are allowed to be "quirky."